Three years ago Saturday, I interviewed for the open job coach position at PRIDE Industries.

Three years ago after that interview, I drove to the hospital in Placerville, to surround my grandma with love and family as she passed into Heaven.

The last few months have been a whirlwind for us.

I took on a promotion at work (still with PRIDE Industries) just two months ago and feel like I’m just keeping my head above water.

Due to working in the community, I walk that fine line of personal values and what to do for work. I saw what that line could like on Friday, and it’s just the beginning.

Back in August, my father-in-law passed away unexpectedly. Ant was named the administrator of his estate. Courts are slow anyways. Throw covid into the mix and it slows Everything down. In March Ant finally received the official papers. And today we started yard work on his house.

We returned home a few hours later, showered and rested away the remainder of our Saturday.

During a commercial break on Hulu (in the middle of season four of This Is Us!), I picked up my phone and Facebook memories reminded me of the events of three years ago.

It speaks to how chaotic and eventful life has been (and how stressed I’ve been) that I forgot the date.

A promotion received.

Training. Lots of training.

An epic road trip to South Dakota and Ashland, Oregon.

Birthdays.

Anniversaries.

Care home overnights.

I hold on to dates like others hold onto pictures and ticket stubs and brochures. I hold onto those too, but dates mean something entirely different for me. I remember the dates of important conversations, when I started counseling, birthdays, anniversaries. It’s a common phrase in our household for me to start a conversation with, “Oh! A year ago today we…” I put the date on Everything. (And sometimes the time too.) It’s a way for my brain to mark time, to hold onto memories that don’t necessarily need to be posted about online or a picture isn’t captured. Maybe it speaks to my innate sense of fear of forgetting, maybe it enables my need to remember and hold tight to things. I don’t know. I just remember dates.

Three years ago this morning, there was joy and excitement and expectation. A new adventure was on the horizon. Sadness and grief and love later in the same day were mixed in.

And then today. Yard care for a yard that I never thought I’d take care of. I learned how to weed-whack and I took out two dead shrubs in the front yard. Ant and I are learning more about probate than we ever knew before and what happens after a close relative passes.

A 33-year old son is doing yard work on his deceased dad’s house to prepare it to sell. Some days I can’t wrap my head around it, but we just figure it out as we go—and with the guidance of a great lawyer.

Earlier this week we celebrated Ant’s birthday, Father’s Day (shout out to those great uncles out there!), and Mom’s birthday. Life and death, joy and sadness sit together so closely a lot of the times.

But, I think a lot of life is lived that way—in the middle. Waiting and watching, stressing about some things, but finding those little bright moments in the day. Looking forward to other things. Wondering what the future holds, or just trying to get through one day.

There’s no way for me wrap these thoughts up. I know God is with us in this, but that doesn’t always make the daily faith of knowing He knows the bigger picture easier. It take practice and consistency and stubbornness on my part. Thankfully God is patient and loving and faithful, and He cares.

Wherever you’re at right now, I hope you know the God of all comfort is with you, or waiting for you if you’re hesitant. If you need prayers, I’m here for you, in the comments or my email.

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When Instagram tells me my caption is too long (a first for me) and Screen Time tells me I have five minutes left on Instagram (definitely not a first), I take it as a sign to write the words on the blog.

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Writing Notes:

6/26/21

// written between episodes of This Is Us. Originally for Instagram. Sometime in the afternoon in the blue gaming chair. Origins Word Count:

6/27/21

// copy and pasted from the Notes app at the care home while drinking coffee. Maybe about 15 minutes of revisions, adding to it, fleshing things out. About 6:45am to 7am. New Word Count: 759

6/28/21

// around 6:30pm for like 10 mins while the water for spaghetti boiled.

// 9:30ish-pm to 9:55ish-pm. adding pictures to my blog while watching Exandria Unlimited episode 1. blue chair in the living room.